Yoknapatawpha Dreaming: December 2013

Thursday, December 12, 2013

You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch

Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of year. Personally, I don't think it's any accident that I was born on Christmas Eve. There's just something about this holiday that brings out the brightness and best in people; everyone has a bigger smile and kids are at an all time high. This is the first time I've approached Christmas while working full-time, and I have to tell you, it just doesn't feel the same.

I always used to joke that college was a "fake life." You have nearly zero responsibilities beyond schoolwork, you're surrounded by friends 24/7, and when holiday break hits, you're home for nearly a month specifically designed around Christmas. Maybe it's just me, but it heightened my excitement for the holidays. The countdown until I returned home, the two week rush to buy gifts, then the turnaround time to being back with my friends and roommates. But this year, I find myself struggling to get into the holiday spirit. I was asked a few days ago what my vacation time would be for the holidays, and I was able to take a whopping two days off: Christmas and the day after Christmas. Living on the edge! I found this was a pretty common regimine amongst my coworkers and by January 30th, everyone in my office will be back to work. I work a 9 to 5 shift everyday, followed by a gym session or running errands, and that usually gets me home around 7 at night. I like to do some Christmas shopping online or on the weekends, but it's all so rushed. If I don't get it done now, then there will be 3 weeks til Christmas...2 weeks til Christmas...last chance.

I was sitting at my desk the other day, day-dreaming like always, and I realized how trivial work can be at times. Maybe it's just my industry, but would the world really end if I didn't ship that package in time, or buy the right bag of chips for the office, or submit a document by a certain deadline? There's 24 hours in a day, and most of us only spend 8 of those hours at work. Do you make the rest of those 16 hours count? I know I can't tell you to stop sleeping (trust me, I'd be an ugly sight if that were the case), but at the same time I took a step back and looked at my day overall and realized I've been struggling to approach it as enthusiastically as I know I probably could. I was invited to a dinner a few weeks ago right after work and I thought, "Ugh, I just finished an 8 hour work day and I'm so tired, I'd rather just stay home and chill out." I have to pull myself out of this mindset ASAP. I'm soon-to-be 24 years old, not 85 with a cane and a curfew. So what if I go to bed at 12 instead of 11, or that I missed a gym session that week. If it's something that I really want to do, then it'll all be worth it.

This seems to be the same issue I'm having with Christmas. It's almost like I'm simply going through the motions of decorating the house and wrapping gifts rather than throwing myself into the full-fledged Christmas extravaganza that I've loved for so many years. The stress of the work week can really take its toll, if you let it. I've started to stop myself from checking work email when I get home. In fact, I've started the habit of jumping into my car as soon as 5:00 PM hits, turning the stereo up, and singing my lungs out to One Direction. Crazy? Probably. But hey, it relieves my work day insanity and it takes me away from the "work zone." I need to find the same thing to help cure my Christmas blues.

In a lot of ways, unfortunately, I think this just may be a part of growing up. In my opinion, the early 20s has been the most awkward time of my life thus far. Am I a kid? Or an adult? But I still live at home...but I want to be independent...so do I still get excited about Christmas? Or am I a mature adult still giving my family members things from Target because my salary can't afford me any more? Oh, and I pay my own Sallie Mae bills, but my parents still pay for my cell phone...

Nothing really definitive here, just some stream-of-consciousness that occurred to me last night when my parents were watching Christmas Vacation. I've seen that movie so many times, could probably quote my way through a good deal of it, but last night didn't feel the same flutter in my heart. I've been told that Kelly Clarkson's Christmas album is fantastic, so maybe I need a dose of new tunes and good cheer.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Confessions of Previously Chunky Girl

Ever since I was born, I was chunky. I came into this world at 9 pounds and didn't stop there. My parents said I went through formula like nobody's business and they had issues keeping me from over-eating all throughout my toddler years. One of the earliest memories I have is running around my grandmother's house in Tennessee, trying to sneak rolls of bread without her seeing. That speaks volumes to the food addiction I developed growing up. It somewhat evened out in my middle school years, but it ballooned during early high school years and it did a number on my self esteem. People made fun of me in the hallways. Instead of Jessie, my high school nickname, they used to call me "Bessie the Cow." Girls didn't want to be near me in the locker room during gym periods. Certain friends grew to be embarrassed of me.

Essentially, I told myself that if I couldn't win people over with my looks then I would win them over with my academics. Sad? Yes. But I stuck to it. I excelled in high school in nearly every course I took and finished with a 3.9 GPA. On the flip side, I became extremely unhealthy. My mother and sister are genetically thin but my father's side of the family is husky. They are tall and big-boned like me and have always retained weight. I told myself that was just my genetic predisposition and I was destined to be big forever. I repressed my weight issues as unfixable and continued to succeed in my schoolwork, all the way up through college, where luckily my friends grew to be much more accepting.

My senior year of college is when it all really caught up to me. When I began interchanging my summer clothes for my fall clothes, I attempted to get into a pair of jeans I had owned for years and found they no longer fit. The same story went for some shirts and dresses, and that's when the internal panic button was set off. My roommate and I then bought a scale for our bathroom and when I stepped on it in September of 2011, I nearly had a heart attack: 220 pounds. I couldn't believe how irresponsible I had been. I made a promise to myself: over winter break, I would begin a new lifestyle and completely change the way I carried on with my life. Initially, it started as a necessity, but grew to be the greatest decision I've ever mad.

Initially, I started with the the South Beach Diet and boy, let me tell you, it was nearly impossible. For the first two weeks, you are restricted to vegetables with a few extra calories each day and that's it. I tried it for three days and gave up. A friend then directed me to try Weight Watchers. Every food has a point value, and based on your weight and height you are given a certain number of points each day with extra points per week. That was much easier to adjust to. I quickly learned to swap out 4 Oreos for a Fiber One brownie bar, and instead of 5 points of cereal, I ate a banana for 0. It took some getting used to, and I'd be lying if I said there weren't a few nights that I didn't go to bed hungry. But once I got over the two week hump, it was smooth sailing. I added 3 days of exercise each week, primarily 30 minutes on the elliptical, and made a promise to myself that I would only have one "cheat day" per week. In order to get healthy, you have to be really honest and hard on yourself. Lifestyle changes involve your entire life, and you must be willing to accept and embrace change.

Well after that, the weight just started to come off. My "weigh in" day was Sunday and every week I lost an average of 2-3 pounds. I began to find myself reaching for healthier food options in comparison to carbs and sweets. I added an extra day at the gym if possible, sticking to cardio and Zumba classes. It took a long time and a lot of hard work and self-control, but after a year and four months, I lost 50 pounds!

September 2011 April 2013

Now here's the shock factor. Believe it or not, the photo of me from April 2013 is STILL considered obese in the medical world! Imagine losing all that weight and going back to your doctor's office only to hear that your weight is still in the obese range. The first time I heard that news, it broke my heart. They told me I needed to lose an additional 20 to 30 pounds in order to be "of average weight" according to my height. While I agree that I could withstand to lose a little more weight, I refuse to believe that I am obese based on a set of rules that do not take into account all I've done in order to get healthy. I went back to the same office a few weeks ago for a physical and heard the same story as I heard the previous year, but I now know and accept in my heart that I am doing the absolute best I can. I drink plenty of water, eat the right things, splurge occasionally, and work out 4-6 times a week. We need to stop beating ourselves up! In a world where bullies hide behind a computer screen and enjoy throwing insults, or people make jokes at our expense, we need to rise up and realize that we will never be happy with our circumstances if we can't be happy with ourselves first. I wasn't happy for a long time because I was using academics to hide the fact that I didn't love myself. It wasn't until I realized that I was worth the change and the betterment that I could begin really getting healthy. Everyone is worth the best, but first we must realize that in our hearts. That's when the change truly begins.

I've never had the confidence to write about my weight struggles until a few days ago when I looked in the mirror at the gym after a long workout and, unashamed, said "Dang! I look good!" We all deserve to feel like this! Half the battle is realizing that you are worth it. So stop beating yourself up and take a look in the mirror and realize how extraordinary the person in front of you is, no matter what anyone says about you. If you love the path you're on, keep going. If you need a change, go for it. Do what is best for you, and don't let anyone else tell you differently. This world is for the taking, so go out there and get it!

Today

xo Jessica

Monday, December 2, 2013

All I Want for Christmas...Stocking Stuffers

One of my favorite parts about Christmas morning is digging into the stockings. It's essentially a free-for-all in my house when it comes to stocking stuffers. Over the years, my stocking has contained toothbrushes, lottery tickets, jewelry, makeup, Baileys nips, gloves, magazines, socks, sunglasses, and beyond. We like to keep it under $15, so I've compiled this list in that price range. I had so much fun with this post! There were so many amazing finds online, it just takes a little digging and some patience. Here's to hoping this list will give you some inspiration!

Baublebar Umbrella Ring Tree, $12